How To Win Friends and Influence People: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #35)

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Carnegie, Dale Notes by Kingston S Lim

Below are my personal notes of How To Win Friends and Influence People. These highlights were what I used to write my personal development book, Wiser Next Week, a condensation of many different self improvement books.

Fundamental Techniques For Handling People

  • Criticism and Feedback
    • Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and makes him strive to justify himself
    • Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s pride, hurts his sense of self importance and arouses resentment
    • An animal is rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior
    • As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation
      • The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends and still not correct the condemned situation
    • Example: A foreman noted that his crew were not wearing their safety hats, instead of condemnation, he asked the workers if the hats were uncomfortable and then reminded the workers that the hats are designed for their safety and suggested that they wear it. 
    • Criticism is like homing pigeons. They always return home. The person we’re going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself and condemn us in return
      • “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s rook when your own doorstep is unclean,” Confucius
  • When dealing with people, remember we’re not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, filled with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity
    • “I will speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Ben Franklin
  • Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving. 

Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

  • Praise, Appreciation and Sense of Importance
    • Understand that people crave praise and appreciation as much as they crave food, it gives them a sense of importance and belongingness
    • Be warned that flattery, unlike appreciation, will do you more harm than good. 
      • The difference between appreciation and flattery is that of sincerity and insincerity, coming from the heart and the other from the teeth, one is selfish and the other unselfish
      • If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery that is cheap and false. 
    • In our interpersonal relations, never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender all souls enjoy
    • Friendships are formed by leaving small sparks of gratitude along your daily trips
    • With lavish praise, people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime, years after you have forgotten them. 
  • Persuasion/Influence
    • The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it
    • Develop the ability to understand the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own
    • When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making other people think its ours, plant the idea and let them stir it themselves, give them a feeling of importance and sense of control. 
      • They will regard the idea as their own and will like it and be more likely to implement it
  • Ways to Make People Like You (Be interested)
    • You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interest in other people than you can in 2 years trying to get other people interested in you
    • If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people, things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness
    • Understand that we are interested in others when they are interested in us
    • People will react to you based on how you act towards them, smile, and they’ll return the friendly gesture
  • Become a Good Conversationalist
    • Many people aren’t interested in what you have to say, all they want is an interested listener to expand their ego. 
    • Even the most violent critic will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener, a listener who will be silent while the fault finder spews poison out of his system. 
    • If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, 
      • be an attentive listener. Be interested. 
      • Ask questions the other person will enjoy asking
      • Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments
      • Keep in perspective that they are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their problems then they are in you and your problems. 
  • Names and Compliments
    • The average person is more interested in his or her name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily and you have paid them a subtle and very effective complement
      • When meeting a new person, ask for their name, ask again if you don’t hear it clearly. Repeat it and take the trouble to use it several times within the conversation
    • Remember that a person’s name is to them the most important word in any language
  • How to Interest People
    • Become informed on the subject in which the other party is interested in.
    • The road to a person’s heart is talking about what they are interested in. 
    • Always make the other person feel important
    • Show appreciation for what they do and talk to them about what they do

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

  • The Futility of Arguments (What not to do)
    • Most arguments end with each of the contestants more firmly convinced that he is absolutely right
      • A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still
    • When one yells the other should listen, as there is no communication between 2 people yelling
  • A Sure Way to Make Enemies (What not to do)
    • Telling someone they are wrong strikes a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. It instigates retaliation, and it will never make them want to change their minds
      • It is perceived by them that their opinion is not respected
    • If you must prove a point, do it subtly and as diplomatically as possible
  • Admit Your Faults (Preventing arguments)
    • If you know your position is wrong, it is better to learn self criticism rather than hear condemnation from others
    • Say all your faults before the other person has a chance to say them, this takes the fight out of them
      • Have the courage to seek no excuses
  • Changing Minds
    • Convince them you are their friend first and show appreciation for their viewpoints. Then they will be more likely to switch views
  • Start With Agreements
    • Emphasize on the things agreed upon first, convince him you’re both striving for the same purpose and only the method is different
    • Get them saying “Yes, yes”, agreeing with what you say. A no onset would require their pride to stay consistent with their initial stance
  • Check Your Boasting (What not to Do)
    • Even our friends would rather talk to us about their achievements then listen to us boast about ours
    • When our friends excel us, they feel important, when they don’t resentment and feelings of inadequacy fester
      • Therefore, only mention your achievements when asked, let them talk 
  • How to Get Cooperation
    • Ask the other party for their input, make them feel important
    • Plant your idea casually in their mind, let them play with it and they’ll think it is their own. 
  • Put Yourself in Their Shoe
    • Put yourself in his place, you may think he’s wrong, but discover the reason and you have the key to his actions and perhaps his personality
    • Get cooperation by demonstrating you value their opinions/ideas/feelings as much as your own
    • Openly consider their point of view and acknowledge its legitimacy, then present yours and convince them of it. Doing so allows you to save face
  • What Everybody Wants
    • The mass of people thirst for sympathy, give it to them, tell them you’d be the same in their shoes, and they will love you
  • Appeal to a Higher Cause
    • Gain cooperation through pointing out their actions harm children to motivate them to cease engaging in it
    • Incentivize a desired action through contributions to a higher cause (charity) in exchange 

Being A Leader: Changing People Without Arousing Resentment

  • The Way to Begin Fault Finding
    • Its always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve heard praise
      • See the initial praise as a pain killer to a painful process
  • Criticize without Harboring Resentment
    • Correct others mistakes through doing what is meant to be done, properly, show them, lead by example
    • Invoke reciprocity through giving them something and asking it be enjoyed in compliance with regulation
  • Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
    • Pointing out your own faults makes you human, an imperfect creature, rather than as a white knight pointing down on the faults of others (Related to Judgement)
  • No One Likes Taking Orders
    • Give suggestions, it saves a person’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion
    • People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision of the order. 
      • Ask questions based on logic that guides them towards the desired action
  • Let Others Save Face
    • Personal attacks and accusations only damage ego, if needing to criticize or remove people from positions, praise their good work first or shift them to another position
    • What matters is considering how the other person thinks of themselves
  • Spurring Others to Improvement
    • Praise even the slightest improvement, be lavish in your praise
    • Abilities wither under criticism, they flourish under praise. 
  • Leading others to Desired Attributes
    • Give them in a public manner, a fine reputation to work towards and they will live up to it
  • Make Faults Seem Easy to Correct
    • Be liberal in your encouragement, sometimes all a person needs is a nudge in the right direction

If these brief notes peaked your interest in How To Win Friends and Influence People, you can check it out on Amazon here.

And be sure to check out my book, Wiser Next Week.

All Previous Entries:

The Magic of Thinking Big: Ultra Condensed Cliff Notes #1

Millionaire Fastlane: Ultra Condensed Cliff Notes #2

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #3

30 Lessons for Living: Tried & True Advice from the Wisest Americans: Ultra Condensed Cliff Notes #4

Awaken the Giant Within: Ultra Condensed Cliff Notes #5

The End of Jobs: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #6

Slipstream Time Hacking: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #7

Think and Grow Rich: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #8

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #9

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #10

The Obstacle is the Way: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #11

Meditations: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #12

Why Loyalty Matters: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #13

Walden: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #14

Self Reliance and Other Essays: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #15

Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #16

Letters From A Stoic: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #17

On the Shortness of Life: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #18

Principles Life & Work: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #19

As A Man Thinketh: Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #20

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreements without Giving In (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #21)

The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #22)

Man’s Search for Meaning: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #23)

Mini Habits: Smaller Habits, Bigger Results: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #24)

Unlimited Memory: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #25)

The One Thing: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #26)

You Are Not Your Brain: The 4 Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #27)

How to Lead When You’re Not In Charge: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #28)

Psycho-Cybernetics: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #29)

The Game of Life and How to Play It: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #30)

How to Live On 24 Hours a Day: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #31)

Be Obsessed or Be Average: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #32)

Philosophy For Life and Other Dangerous Situations: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #33)

The Science of Getting Rich: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #34)

7 thoughts on “How To Win Friends and Influence People: (Ultra Condensed Cliffnotes #35)

  1. Authentic Folks
    Only Need to
    Be Themselves
    Unless They wanna
    Buy Life Now And
    Or Make Money…
    When Love Is Real
    When Love Really Breathes
    LoVE As HuMaN And Or God Neither Requires Worship
    Or Fears Criticism
    Bone Indeed🔑


  2. So many of these are just examples of the Golden Rule. If we would just take a moment and put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, we’d realize what kind of speech would work, and what would be disastrous.
    I like the way the boss asked if the helmets were uncomfortable – assuming the workers had a reason for not using them and weren’t just being insubordinate.

    Liked by 1 person

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