Teaching job is over, just need to finish up the grading and that’d be a wrap for being a school teacher. I think back to all the things I did for my kids out of love, care and concern. And how so much of it was unrecipricated. I won’t laundry list it as that would take too long, it does make me wonder what I did wrong, despite my efforts, some of the students didn’t care and some even got worse.

For which reason I keep thinking and wondering, why? One in particular I spent many hours tutoring and in the end he was lazy and defiant. I could ponder on this student and many others I’ve tried to help, but having already learned from so many mistakes, I’ve already made, what is the point?

There is nothing more I will do for said students now that the school year is all but over. If you are to grind on a problem you don’t have control over, dwell on why all the input made failed to elicit a positive response, it turns the heart bitter and resentful. Ultimately because love is a two way street, if you give and give and give, but never receive, it leaves you feeling emotionally drained. This is the reason (I think) that many of the other teachers in my school seem emotionally detached. Especially kids and youths that haven’t developed a sense of empathy yet.

So these teachers that emotionally detach are using the defense mechanism of indifference. Conscious indifference is the act of actively shutting down emotions when it is recognized that having those emotions will be detrimental to oneself.

It is something I have to use in my on case. I rest on the fact I have this teaching in Thailand my all. The memory of these kids began fading when I had to leave for 2 months, now that process will begin again as I fill my mind with new people, places and projects.

Kingston S. Lim

Hua Hin, Thailand

Feb. 21, 2020

Mini Life Update: Finished my last Muay Thai session on my membership. I was exhausted by the monotony. I’m glad I powered through.